JOE

raised Christian Scientist

“If you are coming out of that structure, just be okay with the tension."

My name is Joe. I’m 28, and I live in Virginia. I was born in Ohio. I moved around a lot as a kid. But the one constant in life was Christian Science.

Christian Science is an interesting religion. The first thing people should know is it’s not Scientology, which is a pretty common misconception. There’s no aliens in Christian Science, at least we got that going for us. It was founded in the mid to late 1800s by a woman named Mary Baker Eddy. She founded [it] based on a religious experience she had where she prayed and Jesus spoke to her, healed her, saved her life, and so on.

They call it Christian Science because they construe it like the science of the Christ. So whereas in other religions you follow Jesus in most ways, Christian Science says you follow him in all ways, including his ability to heal through prayer. So that’s the big difference from physical reality there.

It’s kind of up to the practicer how seriously you take that. For me, my parents were raised in Christian Science, their parents were raised in Christian Science, they had a pretty long family history. So, I wasn’t immunized as a kid. We just really didn’t go to doctors much. It was typically just assumed that you would pray if you had problems.

I think part of the reason I stuck with it so long was that people were very…convincing in their portrayals of it. I mean, you had people that would stand up during testimony meeting, these things that happen every Wednesday night at the church. There’s somebody that gives a few readings, and then the congregation just sits in silence until somebody is moved to speak about a testimony of something that happened to them.

So sometimes it would be ridiculous stuff like, we lost our family dog and I prayed to Jesus, and then the dog came back. Or sometimes it would be like, I was diagnosed with lung cancer and prayed about it and the cancer went into remission. Things like that. Just things that you wouldn’t make up. So if you’re raised in it from a young age, it just seems like that’s…reality.

The first big “healing” that I had was when I was 3 years old. My parents took me to a party with friends and I got into a bowl of cocktail peanuts, not knowing that I’m extremely allergic to peanuts. So, rather than what would seem to be a pretty obvious trip to the ER, I was sent home, and prayed over.

And, um…you know. As my throat started to close up, that kind of thing, miraculously I guess I got better. “Miraculously,” maybe just, you know…randomly, got better. But that was like a big moment for my parents, where they were kind of forced to, like, put it all on the line. You know, if we believe this, we’re not taking this kid to the hospital.

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I think the parts of the religion that really spoke to me the most were the ones that focused on the fact that humans are naturally good, and they’re naturally 100% created in the image of God, and they’re pure. And so any misconceptions, including diseases and stuff, that’s a problem with thought, not with the person. I think it made me a positive person. It made me much quicker to give people the benefit of the doubt.

And then I was also brought up in a conservative household. Christian Science does preach against homosexuality. And then you get to high school and you start to meet gay people for the first time, and you realize, oh wait – you’re saying, “everybody is good…but that person…is not.” Is not capable of the same connection to God that I have. What is that?

It feels like fluctuations, where before you fully snap out of it, you have little inklings of like, this is weird. But I still believe it though! Just weird, that way.

When I got to college, they have what they call Christian Science organizations. Which are like youth groups, basically. So I went, and there were like 5 or 6 students that were regular attendees. And then by sophomore year I was president of the organization.

The summer after sophomore year, I applied and got an internship to work at the mother church in the publishing wing. The “mother church” is what they call the main, the home base church. Which only now looking back does it seem a little creepy, but.

Some of the chinks started to come through. We got kicked off of a university campus, once, for trying to talk to people about their religious beliefs. We went to the theology department, and security escorted us off the premises because we weren’t students. It was the first time that I got the sense of oh, maybe other people think this is crazy. There’d be protesters outside the church calling Christian Scientists child killers. They were saying, “you know, that’s really messed up that you don’t immunize your kids, and you put them into situations where they might die.”

At the same time, it was the first, like there’s not a whole lot of Christian Scientists.

So I got into this internship program and then suddenly there’s tons of people my age that are practicing it. And you’re hanging out with them, and you’d go to Mary Baker Eddy’s house, or people would talk about Mary Baker Eddy in these hushed tones. It was the first time I got to see this kind of weird relationship people had with Mary Baker Eddy as like a Dear Leader-type figure. And it was…not creepy, but, kiiind of creepy.

I made it through the summer, did the whole internship. But I went pretty much immediately from there, I spent two weeks at home and then I got on a plane to Australia, for study abroad for a year. And that’s where it all unraveled, pretty much.

I remember I sought out a church when I first got there. I had every intention of continuing to go. But I just…there were just like little chinks. Like I was meeting for the first time a lot of people that were totally different from me, totally different beliefs. And thinking like, oh, these are really good people, too. They have all of the values that I do, but without having to have this belief structure that I do.

And then I was really strong for a while, with regards to not drinking or anything like that. But eventually it was just like, everybody else is having a great time. Why am I staying at home, where everybody else is out? Am I gonna literally stay at home and play checkers and watch movies for the rest of my life? Or am I gonna go out to the bar? And if I’m gonna go out to the bar, I’ve gotta do the things you do at a bar, you know! For a while I’d try and go out and just drink cokes, and I’d just come home really caffeinated and not really sure what the big deal was.

So I just decided I was gonna start doing that. And then I met a girl who was 100% different from me, and kind of opened my eyes to another perspective on life. 

I was very adamant, like, I can keep all of the humanist things that I believed in: that people are genuinely good, that there is meaning in seeing that in people. And I could do that without feeling guilty every time I go to the doctor.

Like…I don’t think many people know, it’s such a weird thing. Like, if you have a cold, instead of going to the doctor, you have to sit and pray. And if the cold doesn’t go away, you feel a sense of guilt, because you weren’t able to pray that cold away. I remember a time at [college] where I found out later I had a double respiratory infection. And I could hardly breathe. And I was sitting in my room, praying so vehemently to be better, and eventually I just couldn’t breathe. So I went to the doctor and they were like, “Yeahhh. You have a double respiratory infection. And it’s really good that you came. “

So it felt good to be like, yeah, I’m sick, and I’m going to the doctor! And that doesn’t impact my ability to see people as good people.

I think the most intense part of it was coming back. From Australia. Because I still had another year of college left. And so there was this whole group of people that was expecting me to come back and lead the Christian Science organization, and be a part of the church. And I didn’t really have the strength at the time to tell them flat out that I didn’t believe in it anymore. Which….it may be that it was partially me just trying to hang in there, but maybe it was partially just being afraid. Of being judged, or losing out on the support of these people. So I kind of just faked it, for a year. I definitely didn’t go to meetings as much, or go to church as much. But I still would associate with them.

Which is not something I’m very proud of. And I think that eventually people saw right through it. Like I had friends from that time that I’m no longer friends with. Just in thinking about this interview, you feel voids there, from when they left.

That happened when I was 21. So it’s been like 6 years. And since that time, there’s been low points in life. I felt a lot of despair. Like a hole. A hole I think in my belief structure, of, like this group of people that makes me feel like who I am is gone. Or I don’t know, just like the support of God, or Jesus, or whatever you turn to when you’re feeling hopeless, was gone for a while.

And so I probably turned to things and people that I shouldn’t have turned to.  Like drugs and alcohol. And like, nothing really against those things, it’s just I think it’s a pitfall that can happen when you create a vacuum like that. And then, I don’t know. If you’re someone who is prone to having a structured belief system like that, it can feel like just…nothing, afterwards. And you just are filling that by following people, or following, you know. The feeling of comfort.

One important and critical step was leaving Richmond. That place can be kind of a black hole for despair. Just these circles of people that are fine. But we’re all just like, kind of avoiding life. Partying and muddling through, I guess. And not really living by any standard, or wanting to do more.

So I left Richmond, and went back to Australia for a year. I didn’t really have a plan when I got there, but just knew I needed a change. And so a friend of mine and I ended up starting a magazine, a creative project that just took up all of my time, and really made me passionate and devoted to something other than just dwelling in misery.

Then I got back to America after a year. And it’s…again, I didn’t know exactly what I was gonna do, but I just knew I was ready to focus in on something.

So it ended up being teaching. And it’s been a really driving force. I think it still harnesses all of those humanistic things that I learned from Christian Science, and loved, which is that people are good. Even if a kid is being really outwardly mean to you or like not wanting to accept it, there is a good kid within that kid, who can succeed and do well in life if you’re willing to push them. And I think that positive outlook and desire to see good in others is critical to being a good teacher. So I think that I made peace with myself, my lack of religion, my changes in that I still have that belief in people.

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If I would picture who would go searching for the pieces that you’re putting out there, I see potentially myself in a moment of doubt looking at it. And I would want to end on, if you are coming out of that structure, just be okay with the tension. There will be tension, but you can find other ways to fill those needs, and it will be okay, in the end. And don’t necessarily think that that has to mean despair. It can mean hope. And validation that the people you surround yourself with and the good that you let in, that doesn’t have to come from that system that you were a part of.