STEPHEN READER

raised Jewish

"It’s a no brainer. You shouldn’t just take take take take take.”

My name is Stephen Reader. I’m 27 years old, from Alexandria, Virginia, and I’ve lived in Brooklyn for 5 years.

I was raised Jewish, which was my dad’s family’s religion. My mom was Jewish too, but I knew that she converted to Judaism when she married my dad. We went to a Reform Judaism synagogue called Bethel.  And for me it meant like - we would have family Seders for Passover. Mainly my dad’s side of the family, because my mom’s side was Catholic.

I went to a few Friday night services, for the Sabbath, but mainly it was on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings, beginning around 3rd or 4th grade, you had Hebrew school. Which sucked. Not because Hebrew school sucks, but because I was a brat. Basically we got a mix of theistic instruction, language instruction, and real history. As you got closer to bar mitzvah you had to do more, like community service. There’s a person who teaches you how to chant.

Then my parents were like if you don’t have to go anymore you don’t have to. By the time I was 13 and listening to Bad Religion, they didn’t mind. 

I had Jewish instruction but I felt more like I was an observer. Like I was kind of dipping my toe in the water without, you know, being Jewish. Which in some ways is weird, like - I feel detached from any sort of heritage or family history. And people who have that I regard as kind of strange. Not in a bad way, it’s just not familiar to me. I don’t have any kind of primordial identity to anything. Which can be lonely, I guess.

[My feelings towards Judaism] definitely changed over time. As I was having all this instruction I was also going through puberty – I started listening to punk rock, and a lot of that is anti-establishment, anti-authoritarian. And a lot of that in the U.S. is the Christian faith, and we see that in sort of public policy too, you know, the separation of church and state isn’t really fully there.

So I sort of felt like, as a Jewish person, that’s sort of an underdog mentality that I had that I thought was kind of cool. Especially being a less popular kid in school, and getting into this kind of music. It was a little rebellious, it felt. Or at least I had some footing to stand on, like I am not part of this dominant class or religion or whatever. I remember it made me so happy to piss them off. I thought that was so cool because I was just a little shit.

The faith itself…I still think it’s a pretty good faith. There are obviously lots of rules, but ultimately there’s no fire and brimstone in Judaism the way there is in Christianity. But the practitioners and the tribalism associated with it and any other faith got more grating on me. I think that a lot of stuff that Israel has done as a country is fucked up. Just because I was raised Jewish, I don’t give Israel a pass.

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I think between my parents’ divorce and remarriage and stuff, I went to three different schools for first, second, and third grade. So I was always the new kid. I had behavioral issues and I had trouble making friends. So I was always the underdog in that way.

It was just weird, I felt totally unmoored, and basically in every area it was like, there are all these things that I have no control over happening to me. And that just made me I think a really angry little kid in a lot of ways. And someone who got pretty fresh, would talk back, and get in trouble because of it. Think I was smarter than the teacher or whoever and be a dick in class sometimes.

And Judaism was just another way in which I was not like most of the people around me, I guess. So all that went into that feeling of being in opposition to things that I didn’t like and couldn’t control, because those seemed to be everywhere. And really annoying.

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On community and rituals outside the faith

People who play instruments, I’ve always been drawn to. School band. I did drama, eventually. Generally I like weird, funny people who are good at something, or have like a craft, or a hobby. All of that is cool to me, if you have a talent or something that you do then I just naturally find you interesting, and conversations aren’t hard because I want to know about you and the things you do. Funny people who know about shit and can do shit. 

We had the craziest – this was so bizarre. We had all these pre-show rituals for drama. It usually started around 4 in the afternoon, a couple hours before the show happened. And one of them was all of the stage techs would rave. They would just turn off all the lights in the auditorium and blast this music, and they had glow sticks. And they would just rave. And that would give way to everyone doing it. Everyone involved in the show would get on the stage.

And then from there, we would sit down in a circle, and we would have to cross our arms like this, so my right hand was holding someone’s left hand. So I would sort of be in a knot. And you would just go around. You usually got to start because you’d done something particularly good, or you were going through a hard time and we knew about it. Like your mom was sick or something, or whatever.

You could say anything. People told funny jokes, people told stories. People cried. People did all manner of shit. Sometimes there was some kind of passive aggressive comment, but it was supposed to be a safe space basically. And most often what people would say “keep the faith and take care of each other.” That was sort of like a mantra that when they were trying to say something serious we would do. So everyone would go around the whole circle and do that.  

And then, we would listen to “Free Fallin’” by Tom Petty. (laughing) Like sing along to it in a circle. That happened before every show. Every night there was Circle.

I actually got into it. Like – it’s the kind of thing where if there were video of it that any of you guys saw, I would get roasted. And I’m totally like, rightfully so. But I was just about to graduate high school, I had just come out of my first real serious breakup and everything. It was nice to just have something to do, something to take your mind off of the fact that you’re upset or feeling bad.

I would say it wasn’t until the last circle, the last show of the year that I really opened up. Because sometimes I would just be funny or tell a funny story, or say something heartfelt but not like emotion pouring out. But I did the very last time. And you know, I felt good.

I wouldn’t think…as I said, I was sort of an oppositional, snarky, cynical whatever, I was not with that kind of thing. I actually bought into it pretty readily. It was not something I made fun of.

I keep a lot of things in the vault now. Also around that age, I was starting to explore, and started sharing, sometimes with strangers more than people close to me. And that came back to bite me in certain ways. Since then I’ve really kept my cards close to my chest. There’s no regular meeting or space that I go to or person I go to just to like spill, you know. My platonic life partner, Chris, we go to bars, and we know everything that’s going on in each other’s lives basically. But even him, I don’t tell anyone everything, you know.

When I was in therapy I opened up really readily there, too, because it’s a stranger. My thing with sharing with people close to me is it would maybe affect how they perceive me, or they’ll tell other people and I don’t control that information or whatever narrative anymore.

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I don’t know if religion’s got it right, but I think there’s something going on. It’s a no brainer. You shouldn’t just take take take take take. You should give, and do things for people, even when it’s inconvenient or you don’t want to. If enough people don’t, we’re going to fuck everything up. So whether or not there’s something else, we are all sort of accountable in a small way. 

When I’m playing music, too, that’s a moment where I totally feel like not myself anymore. Or like, maybe even more of myself than usual. Like how that can kind of be the same thing. It’s like I’m not thinking about what I’m doing anymore, my body just does it. I think that’s amazing.

It’s not just for people who play music, anyone who’s tapped into a skill or a craft can achieve that. And that’s sort of for me a moment of enlightenment. Because I overthink things all the time. And here’s this time where I actually don’t have to think about anything at all. And yet I still do something. Even if you don’t believe in god or something spiritual or anything, people should cultivate that within themselves. That’s like a gift to yourself and to other people, too.

As told to Beth Beckman, August 2, 2015

This interview has been edited and condensed